This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who feels like she’s treading on eggshells when her boyfriend is constantly angry because of the news cycle. While she wants to support him, she doesn’t want anger to become the normal way of life
This week, Lala advises a reader who feels like she’s treading on eggshells when her boyfriend, a brown Muslim, is constantly angry because of the news cycle
IN Lalalaletme explain’s hit column asks readers for her expert advice on their own problems with love, sex and relationships. With over 200,000 Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice that helps woman through all the bumps in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship guru, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week, thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her fun, honest approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week’s column, just keep reading…
Dear Lala,
I am white with my boyfriend, a brown Muslim. We have had our challenges, but the last 6 months have been nothing but downs. At the moment he is so angry all the time. News about World Cup visas, anti-Islam conflict, unrest in Ireland, the rise of reforms – it’s all terrible to read, but he can’t get out of Instagram news sources and spends his life angry. I can’t begin to understand how it feels, but I also feel like I’m stepping on eggshells in my own home. We haven’t slept together in a while because the vibe isn’t there and I’m afraid to say anything for fear of making him angrier. How do I support him? How long before anger just becomes a normal way of life? Am I a horrible person for thinking about my white privileged self at this moment? I just want a hug and a kiss at the end of the day, but I get either an angry rap or silence or both. I just want to fix it, but I can’t fix the world.
Lala says,
This is a heartbreaking letter and I feel for both of you. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be a non-white person in the UK at the moment with the rise in racial tension created by sinister characters with agendas. The landscape in this country and globally has changed, and many black and brown people and people of non-Christian faiths feel unsafe, while people are led to believe that targeting immigrants is somehow the answer to all our problems. Those of us who are chronically online all feel the effects of this, the human brain is not designed to absorb a constant stream of outrage, fear and threats from every corner of the globe.
We are all being pumped with propaganda through our algorithms, and his interest in these issues will ensure that the social media companies keep showing him more and more of the content that keeps him engaged and enraged. They do it for profit at the expense of our well-being. While your boyfriend is shown constant reports of Islamophobia and racism, he absorbs the stress and trauma they want him to feel. Division is sown on purpose to divide and conquer and make us all look away from the true cause of all the problems. He must be stressed and scared and this will put him in survival mode where all he can do is fight or flee.
But two things can be true at once. Your boyfriend exists in scary times that pose a threat to his nervous system, we can understand where his change in behavior may have come from. At the same time, you deserve to be in a safe home, a healthy loving relationship, and you shouldn’t walk on eggshells. Your boyfriend may be genuinely sad, scared, angry, or exhausted about things he sees happening in the world, but that truth doesn’t negate or carry more weight than your truth, which is that you feel lonely, disconnected, and emotionally neglected in your relationship.
Thinking about your own relationship needs doesn’t make you a terrible person, white privilege would be to pretend that racism and Islamophobia don’t exist or that he should just ignore it, you don’t. You acknowledge the validity of his feelings, you try your best to be supportive, but you carry the weight of his stress and essentially now just exist in a home with a man who is no longer invested in the relationship because he is completely consumed by the news. Staying on top of the news can feel like a form of protection, it can make us feel like we’re ahead of the game if we’re aware of all the threats, but it’s not serving to protect him at the moment, it sounds like it’s making him very stressed.
Supporting him might look like listening, validating his fears, encouraging breaks from doomscrolling, and suggesting healthier ways to engage with these issues than consuming social media for hours every day. But supporting a partner through a difficult time shouldn’t require you to shrink or be afraid to express your needs. You shouldn’t have to calculate whether asking for a hug will trigger an argument. You’ve said that you’re afraid of upsetting him and that you’re walking on eggshells, and those are two big red flags.
The more angry content he is shown, the angrier he gets. The angrier he gets, the angrier content he is shown. If this anger affects you, then it is a concern. If you fear physical violence or emotionally abusive outbursts when you say the wrong thing, you are moving into worrying territory and you may want to consider seeking support from a service such as www.womensaid.org.uk. If any attempt to discuss your needs is met with anger, dismissal, or accusations that you’re being selfish for bringing them up, then the problem isn’t politics, it’s how conflict and emotions are handled in the relationship, and you may need to think about how sustainable this is in the long term.
You don’t have to accept this just because you sympathize with its causes. You’re allowed to empathize with what he’s going through, and you’re allowed to want your relationship needs met, to feel safe, and to have a cuddle at the end of the day. Ending the relationship wouldn’t make you a racist evil person who doesn’t care about your partner’s experiences, it would be an act of choosing yourself. If you’ve tried to support, tried to communicate, suggested he get some therapy, went to couples therapy yourself, and tried your best, then walking away wouldn’t be a selfish or racially insensitive thing to do in the end. And if there is abuse or control, if you are actually afraid of his reactions, scrap the above and start making plans to leave with support.
