The one that got away. The lost connection. The almost love match. If you’ve ever experienced romantic regret, you have a lot of company. That sting doesn’t just go away because time continues to move.
Have you ever felt that pang during a certain song on the radio, or perhaps come across an old photo while cleaning out the junk drawer? In 2011, researchers at Northwestern University and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign surveyed 370 American adultsaged 19 to 103, about their biggest regrets in life, and 50% of women felt the same.
Almost 50% of women had the same life regret: the one that got away
Jasminko Ibrakovic/Shutterstock
The relationship regrets achieved the highest marks, especially among women. Almost half of all ladies surveyed, 44 percent, had romantic regrets, with only 19 percent of men claiming the same. Also, single guys and gals tended to dwell on their past heartbreaks more than those who had moved on to new, committed relationships.
Those discussing their lost love focused on the age-old theme: The one that got away. “People mentioned high school romances and the people who got away from them,” said Neal J. Roese, a psychologist and professor at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern, who conducted the study.
Interestingly, respondents were equally divided between regret for situations in which they took action versus regret for scenarios in which they failed to act.
Relationship regret was stronger for those who did not pursue the one who got away
Those who felt remorse not having worked harder to save their lost love tended to harbor regret for significantly longer than those who regretted the actions they had taken.
“The longer regrets tend to focus on missed opportunities—things you could have done or should have done differently,” said Dr. Rose. “Later regrets tend to focus on things you did that you wish you could take back.”
If you relate to the former category, Dr. Roese lays out a plan for the best way to get over the tough close-ups in your love life: “Regret feels bad, but on average it’s a helpful feeling. The most helpful way to experience regret is to feel it deeply, get over it quickly and move on, using it to push you into new behaviors that will be helpful.”
Use every romantic entanglement as a learning experience and then move on. “The one that got away” really means “the one that wasn’t meant to be.” And hey, that just means there’s someone better out there.
Of course you deserve love and one day you will find it. You just have to keep your eyes open because you will find love in the most unexpected place when you are not even looking.
Don’t settle for second best because your soulmate is still out there getting ready to meet you. Also, don’t let others tell you that the idea of soulmates is fake or that yours isn’t out there: A YouGov poll found that 60% of Americans believe in a soulmate, so when you find them, don’t let them get away this time.
Jenna Birch is a former author, journalist and editor. She currently leads storytelling and communications at a venture capital firm.
