You are in your forties or fifties, maybe even sixties. Now, you’ve heard of self-care (who doesn’t?) – so the question is: why don’t you practice it? No, really, why not? Yes, I know you have a million things to do and you’re not sure if you’ll ever get them done, but that’s no excuse.
Just know this: Exhausting yourself trying to be Superwoman comes with a cost, and that prize is you. No one can do it all, even if you are mistakenly led to believe that you can. Too often you worry about others and try to take care of them – but you don’t worry about yourself.
Of course, it’s okay to put pieces on your to-do list; you cannot ignore your responsibility: do a little today and then a little tomorrow, and so on. But be sure to listen to your body and take breaks when you need to, especially in middle age when things start to take a deeper path than they used to. Aging is not for the faint of heart, but it doesn’t have to be a struggle either – the good news is that you can stop being someone who doesn’t take care of themselves.
Here are subconscious signs that someone is struggling in midlife:
1. They get very sick
According to the CDCthe average adult gets about two to three colds a year. If someone finds that they are getting sick more often than that, it could be because their body needs some TLC. Chronic stress, lack of sleep, no exercise and poor nutrition can all contribute to wearing down your body over time, leading to you getting sick more than most.
2. They snap at other people for no reason
There is no denying that annoying things are bound to happen from day to day. However, if someone is extremely irritated by even the smallest infractions and takes out their anger on people who don’t deserve it, it could be a sign that they are not taking good care of themselves and are really struggling in mid-life.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Adam Borland warns that “irritability can lead to depression, anxiety, panic, anger management problems, substance abuse and other conditions, and if left unchecked, can lead to more significant concerns.”
3. Their friends and loved ones begin to pull away
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Frustration is a natural stress responsebut when someone takes good care of themselves, the feeling comes and goes. If left unchecked, irritability and frustration can become chronic and lead to aggressive behavior. If people constantly feel like they have to walk on eggshells around someone, they may no longer want to spend time in their presence.
When friends and loved ones withdraw, it can be a strong indicator that someone is not taking care of themselves. Social withdrawal often stems from a lack of emotional availability or unhealthy behavior that strains relationships, which is a subconscious signal to others to create distance to protect themselves.
4. They depend on caffeine, wine or another drug to get through the day
We all have coping mechanisms to get us through the rough days, but if someone is constantly turning to things like caffeine and other drugs to temporarily feel better, that’s a sign of an underlying problem or problems that should be addressed.
While unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol, painkillers and even caffeine provide temporary relief, they often make the underlying problems worse in the long run. Denise Graham, a counselor at the Cleveland Clinic’s Alcohol and Drug Recovery Centerexplains that “if you depend on alcohol for happiness and pleasure, or even to relieve stress, it can actually cause significant problems down the road. You’re not learning how to healthily cope with things the way they are right now.”
5. They dread going to work
Even those who love their jobs sometimes have days when they’d rather just stay home. But consistently abandoning projects you were once excited about, skating by doing the bare minimum, or calling in completely out of work are red flags that indicate your lack of motivation may be due to something more serious.
Consistently dreading going to work is a strong indicator that you are not taking adequate care of your mental and emotional health, which is often a sign of poor work-life balance or underlying stress that can affect your overall health if left untreated.
6. They are always tired and can’t shake it
Feeling tired during the day is normal; feeling tired during the day every single day is not normal. A constant lack of energy can be caused by both physical and psychological ailments, which should be addressed sooner rather than later. Geriatrics specialist Dr. Ardeshir Hashimi puts it this way: “Yes, it’s normal to get tired more easily as you get older, but that doesn’t mean you always have to feel exhausted.” If you are, schedule a check-up with your pediatrician.
7. They are on edge and worry all the time
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It’s natural to worry from time to time, but if you feel pinched from every angle all the time, it could be a signal from your body that something has to give. Constantly feeling on edge and worrying excessively is a strong indicator of poor self-care that it can point to against an underlying anxiety disorder or a more serious mental health problem.
8. They don’t treat themselves to anything special
If all you do is work, come home, rinse and repeat, you’re bound to start feeling burnt out. We all deserve a little pampering now and then. Whether it’s ordering takeout on a night when you don’t feel like cooking dinner or spending an extra hour in bed on a weekend morning, just because it’s important to have something to look forward to – even if it’s as simple as a pedicure appointment or a FaceTime with your grandchild.
9. They have stopped trying new things
Feeling sad about everything and not being able to find joy in everyday life is a sign that you have been working and not playing for far too long. Avoiding trying new things can be considered neglecting self-care and can also stem from a fear of the unknown. Don’t let yourself stagnate by refusing to try something new – that’s how our mental muscles weaken.
If you didn’t say “yes” to any of the above, then good for you; you have mastered the art of nurturing even in your forties, fifties, wherever you are in life. This is not an easy thing to do.
BUT: If you said “yes” to even one of these things, then you’re not taking enough care of yourself or taking good care of yourself, and you need to take a moment. Too many people say “yes” to this list. We live in a fast-paced society and are constantly asked to do more to get ahead, especially women. But it makes us feel empty and like it’s never enough. You are enough and that’s it, period, end of story.
Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is dedicated to helping couples and has completed levels 1, 2 and 3 at The Gottman Institute.
